Its been a while since I’ve written a blog, and today I’ve decided to turn a new leaf. I’m taking a different perspective on my writing. What inspires me to write is talking about things that go deeper than just physical beauty. Maybe that’s why I lost interest in writing before, I love things with more substance. Don’t get me wrong, I love to talk about hair & makeup and brides and all the wonderful things about my work, but REAL beauty has to come from within. The process we go thru by working thru our experiences is what make us who we are. That’s what defines us, giving us character and setting the tone for our energy and overall vibration. That’s what makes us unique & THAT is what real beauty is. I’m hoping that by sharing my life and some of my experiences I can inspire and help others in some way.
DISCLOSURE FOR NEW BRIDES: Please don’t let my stories of divorce and love discourage you from your own journey.
Here it goes… my first “new” blog.
On Being Alone…
Perhaps I’m in a period of my life where I need to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin without having to defer to a beautiful woman as a gauge of my worth or definition of my character. It’s just a thought. A thought that was driven home while watching the temple burn alone this year at Burningman. As the tears fell down my cheeks and the fire sparked from above I could feel something changing in me that I knew somehow would make me stronger. It’s been a slow process to find that elusive state of being comfortable being single after 18 years of serious relationships – one right after the other. Its been 10 months now since my divorce, and I’m finally learning to find magic in the special moments spent alone with no-one else other than myself to share them with.
As the weeks after Burningman passed I slowly processed my time there. Some of my moments spent alone were tough to deal with. As my summer passed, I realized what a blessing they actually were. How the universe was teaching me exactly what I needed to know. Somewhere deep in my stomach I knew this was what I had been missing. This is what was needed to truly know myself and practice self-love.
On Standing in Love
I can imagine it will be a gradual process. I no longer feel sad when I have to eat dinner alone or experience something magical that I wish I had someone to share it with. Feeling okay being alone is the first step to standing in love – rather than “falling in love”. Not searching for someone else to fulfill the empty parts of you, as most relationships have this sort of unhealthy co-dependency.
I’m learning to love without expectation of anything in return. To love without fear and without a sense of “ownership”. I’m learning to just love because I want to – not because I need to. Maybe when I no longer need anything anymore and my motivation for love isn’t fueled by fear of being alone or other insecurities, I will be able experience Love on a whole new level. At least that’s my goal. Life works in such strange ways and there’s always opportunity – even in misfortune.
Every year at Burningman people use the temple as a place to offer up anything in their life that they are ready to let go of. Past relationships, mourning of a loved one, or even a mindset that may no longer serve them. 70,000 people sit around in silence on the last night of the Burn and watch The Temple as it disintegrates to the ground. I’ve watched The Temple burn 10 of my 13 years at Burningman, and this was the first year that I finally felt a shift in my entire being, as if the scales had moved to the other side. Of course I always honor my father and my dog Bentley, and I pray for those I love. But this was the first year that I felt my fears and insecurities burning away as the sparks flew like glitter into the night sky. Stepping into freedom and loving myself completely, independent of anyone else.